It's What It Is You Me
by Tinker Ramone
Summary: Jess waits around the hospital long after his welcome is worn out. But he just has to let her know...takes place after 6.18 oneshot


**_This will most likely be a one shot. Enjoy. I haven't been in much of a writing mood as of lately, so this one just sort of flowed.

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It is funny the things that go through your head as you are impatiently waiting on something. Suddenly the memory of what the waitress was wearing in the café where you had breakfast seems fascinating. The color of the man's socks next to you remind you of the carpet in your grandmother's den or the color of your most hated vegetable, peas. You try to scan your mind for something a bit more meaningful, but all that comes to mind is the lines from the comic strip you had read that morning. Charlie Brown's pathetic face looking out at you, _"Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, 'Why me?' And the voice says, 'Nothing personal your name just happened to come up.'" _I certainly can relate to Chuck right about now.

"Want some coffee?"

I shake my head and look up to see my uncle's shaking hand offering me coffee. It is proven at this moment that we are both out of our element. I take the paper cup, even though we both know, neither one of us drink coffee. What else are you suppose to do when you are waiting in a stale hospital waiting room?

"There was a kid in the cafeteria screaming his head off." He nervously talks, "Now my head is aching and my blood pressure is through the roof."

He explains this to me, but I am not listening. I am searching my memory of a clue. A clue of why I am sitting here waiting to see if she is going to live or die. Weather to blame her idiotic actions or myself. Her mother rushes in and my body tenses.

"What are you doing here?" she says searching me over as if I ran her daughter off the road. "What is he doing here?"

"Rory was in Philly to see me." I mumble as I lean back in my seat.

"This isn't happening." She says as she pulls away from the embracing arms of my uncle. "You can't just leave her alone can you?"

"Please." I sigh in a harsh tone. "She is the one who stumbled in to my world this time."

"Get him out of here!" She shouts as Luke tries to calm her. "He doesn't belong here."

I can't hear what he is saying, but I know from the cautious look on his face that I should leave. I get up and walk past them, feeling my insides twist as I also blame myself for her accident. I slap my book against my leg as I walk farther down the hallway to the nearest waiting room. The noise is loud and reminds me of a slap across the face. A slap I feel will be coming if she never wakes up.

'_Did I lock the store?'_ I question myself as I sit down in the empty side room. I fumble through my mind trying to remember if I had actually locked the door or if I had been so frantic I forgot. The hospital isn't far from the store, but I know I couldn't leave. Not without knowing if she is okay.

I run my finger over the slick cover of the book in my hand. I would have normally jumped into a Kerouac book, but not now. Not in this place. Not while I was waiting to exhale my guilt. I am spooked out of my thoughts as an older man sits across from me. He looks nervous as well. Looking over at my book and he faintly smiles.

"On the Road."

"Are you a fan?" I reply grateful for his voice interrupting my thoughts.

"Yes." He replies as he looks at the door. "I am not a fan of hospitals though."

"The quiet is nice, but I could find that at my local library." I joke hoping he will smile.

"I would much rather be in a building of dusty books than a building of sick people."

"Agreed." I smile not knowing why I feel comfortable interacting with this stranger.

I open my book trying to direct my attention off of the man and out of my thoughts. My eyes blur over the words and then once again I am ripped from my peace and quiet. The voice shouting at the man seems vaguely familiar and as I peek over the book I see why.

"Richard." She pants. "What on earth are you doing down here?"

"Escaping." He mumbles. "What are you doing down here?"

The man's sarcasm makes my mouth curl a bit, but as the woman's bark grows louder I quickly loose it. There was no doubting it now that was the bark of one, Mrs. Emily Gilmore. I slouch in my chair and hold the book up high hoping she wouldn't know me.

"Don't get smart with me." She shouts. "We were talking one minute and then poof you were gone. Is this some kind of joke?"

"No Emily, I just wanted to find a quieter place to read."

"Your granddaughter is lying in a hospital bed and you are catching up on your reading?"

"Calm down, this is not the time or place to argue." He says in a very stern, but calm voice. "Lets go find Lorelai and I promise no disappearing this time."

"I had to ask a very vapid nurse if she had seen you, she couldn't remember a thing." She rambled. "How could she not remember seeing you?"

"I am sure I do not know," he mumbled as her voice carried down the hall. "Nice talking to you son."

"Oh, you too." I nod as I move the book away from my face. "I hope your granddaughter feels better soon."

"And the same to whomever you are waiting on." He nods with a small smile as he leaves the room.

I rummage through my pockets for what seems like hours before I realize I left my cell phone sitting in the main waiting room. I grumble to myself a bit before deciding I had to go get it. There was no way out of it, I had to call Matthew and make sure the store was locked.

I slowly walk down the hall my eyes glued to the floor, silently praying that they were not sitting there. That they had left for coffee or food. Entering the large waiting room I hear Emily's voice and know my prayers have not been answered.

"What was she even doing here?"

"I don't know mom." Lorelai droned, it was clear by her tone it wasn't the first time this question was asked. "Why don't you sit down and relax."

"Relax?" she scoffs. "Why did Luke know before anyone?"

"He didn't mom." She said in a shaky voice. "I was and since he was here in Philadelphia I asked him to come be with her."

"It still doesn't explain…"

Stepping up to the table next to them I grab my phone and try my hardest to be invisible. When I hear my name, I am aware of how visible I am. Holding up my phone I twirl around meeting Lorelai's eyes.

"I forgot my phone." I state as I place the phone in my pocket. "I am gone. You won't see me again."

"Stay." She mumbles. "Rory would want you to know what is going on."

"I think I'll pass." I say stepping away from the group, but then I feel her hand on my arm.

"Sit over there, if you want." She says pointing at a group of chairs. "But stay in this room."

"Fine." I say shaking her hand off of my arm.

Then as I walk to the chairs in the corner I hear the realization come over Emily. She franticly tells the man, I now know as Richard, about the dinner, oh so long ago. He sounds as interested in the rehashed situation as I am. I don't utter a word. I just sit down and flip open my book, feeling the eyes of the Gilmore women boring into me.

Three hours later the doctor walks in and calls for Lorelai. My eyes shift from my feet to the man, hoping for the best news, not knowing what I would do if there was worse news. I watch as the relief spreads over Lorelai's face, Luke standing behind her helping her to stand. When her face beams with a smile I know the wait is over. Rory was going to be okay. When the man in white leaves them, she turns to her parents and joyfully says something I can't quite understand. After many hugs she walks to me and sits beside me. My body goes tense once again, not knowing what to expect.

"She's going to be all right." She smiles faintly through tears. "She has a few broken bones and her mind is a bit hazy about the wreck, but she will be fine."

"Good." I nod not knowing what else to say.

"Just like Rory to not get rest until she ends up in a hospital bed." She smiles looking over to me. "You can go now, I will tell her you were here."

I look at her in disbelief. Why would I just leave? Turning my head away I take a deep breath, calming my nerves. This wouldn't be the place to loose my temper. She gets up and walks away obviously expecting me to get up and leave. What I do is quite opposite of leaving. Getting up I walk to the desk and ask if I can see Rory. The nurse looks at me for a moment and back at the Gilmore's. She has obviously been told something I am unaware of.

"I will be in and out before they even notice." I whisper at the blue-eyed girl.

"I'm sorry I can only let family in to see her." She says as she looks away.

"I don't think you understand, I can't leave until she knows I am still her friend."

I can hear the terror slipping in to my voice and I know I sound desperate. The girl doesn't look at me. She just walks away. My hands shaking as I move them through my tangled hair.

"Thanks for nothing." I shout as she shuffles down the hall. "I can't believe this."

Turning I find my uncle walking towards me, a look of annoyance on his face. A look I know too well. I shift my weight all on to my left foot rolling my tongue around in my cheek as he stands in front of me.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not leaving here until I see her." I whisper in a bitter tone.

"That's not going to happen."

"Why?" I say my voice growing louder, "Because of something that happened when I was eighteen?"

"Calm down." He says placing his hand on my shoulder.

"She came to see me this time." I shout. "Things were said and now she is here. I need to let her know…"

"Let her know what? That you still love her or something?"

"No…I don't know…I need to see her."

"Jess, go home. I will call you when she is released." He says with a look of pity on his face. "Her boyfriend is on his way."

Boyfriend. I suddenly am slammed into the wall of reality. I mash my lips together until they feel numb, then lick them. Luke just stares at me, waiting for me to do something. A reaction is better than none, I guess. When I don't respond he shakes his head and releases my shoulder from his grip.

"I will call you."

I look over his shoulder at Lorelai who is making her way towards us. It is obvious she is so glad that Rory is going to be okay that she can't be angry with me. The joy that the news brought out weighs her hate for me.

"Logan won't want to see you." Luke mumbles.

"Jeez." I say growing angry. "Logan is the reason she's here."

"Excuse me?" her mother says in confusion.

"He cheated on her."

"He did what?" Luke says in a growl.

"She came here to repay the favor." I say feeling guilty for sharing her dirty secret.

I look at Lorelai for a moment before walking away. Her glare burning into me as I walk down the hall, in search of Rory's room. No one was going to stop me from my search. I wasn't leaving till she knew we were fine.

"Sir you can't peek into every room." The blue-eyed nurse says as I walk down the hall still peeking in to rooms. "Sir I will call security."

"Go ahead." I say with smirk.

"Jess slow down." Luke calls from behind me. "You can't do this, they are going to kick you out."

"How else am I going to see her?"

"Wait." He says growing impatient.

"I've been waiting for the last eight hours."

"Her dad and Logan are both on their way." He says. "Neither of which will want to see her ex-boyfriend roaming the halls searching for her."

"I'm the one who raced here in the middle of the night when no one else was here." I shout. "Damn it Luke, she was covered in blood and barely breathing."

He looks at me with sincere sympathy on his face. Then I see her grandfather towering behind him. I don't know at first weather I need to run or stay. Then I see the same sympathy on his face.

"Come with me young man." He says in a very dry tone.

"He's not trying to start any trouble. He's Rory's friend is all…" Luke tries to explain as Richard takes my arm and leads me down the hall.

"Miss." He says to the nurse who had been avoiding me. "Where is Lorelai Gilmore's room?"

My muscles feel like mush as he says her name. I turn to look at his face and see he is trying to help. He nods at the nurse as she tells us, pointing in the direction. I look at Luke in disbelief and shrug as we turn to go to her room.

"I brought her a copy of TS Eliot's Wasteland."

I don't look at him but I can tell he is smiling. It is strange to think of someone with such great taste in books being part of her family. I had always suspected she was the only one, a black sheep. I then remembered her talking about her grandfather, how fond of him she always was. I shiver as we come to a stop in front of her door.

"Give it to her for me." He says with a small smile as he hands me the book. "I'm sure she would rather a handsome young man give her a book than her stuffy old grandpa."

I take the book and still find it hard to talk. What am I to say to him? Just a few hours ago he was a stranger in a waiting room trying to escape the rest of the world. His cologne tickled my nose a bit, but I held back the sneeze. Twitching my nose around, I suddenly felt like a foolish little boy.

"Go ahead. It isn't nice to keep a girl waiting."

"Thanks." I whisper with more sincerity than I knew I had.

"Maybe you can dedicate your next book to me." He winks. "I did enjoy the last one."

My heart stops for a moment as he turns and heads away. How did he know I wrote a book? Did Rory tell him? I shook the questions from my head and stared down at the TS Eliot book in my hand. How would I have the courage to look at her as she lay in bed with wires running from her, as if she was a robot in for repairs? Tapping the door open a bit I found it rather hard to find the courage. I felt the ball of guilt back in my throat. The same ball of guilt I had felt many years ago as I saw her for the last time on the bus. Sitting down in a chair next to the bed I wonder if she was sleeping or awake. Did she even know I was here?

"Hi." She says in a scratchy voice as her eyes flutter open.

"Hi." I smile. "Your grandfather gave this to me, to give to you. He sort of snuck me in here."

Moving her one working arm towards me she picks up the book. A small smile falls upon her face as she reads the title. Then her eyes fall back on me. Did she know how hard it was to be staring at her in a hospital bed?

"He loved your book." She chokes out with a cough. "Compared you to Dickens."

"Dickens." I nod proudly as I think it over in my head.

Looking at her was heartbreaking. This was the same girl who had been kissing me just hours ago. Almost ten hours to be exact. I move my hand to her face and smile. She was living and breathing. She was going to be fine. Tears start to blur my vision as I blink them away. She doesn't notice, or at least it appears that way.

"Logan's on his way." I say, for unknown reasons.

She closes her eyes and I watch a tear roll down her cheek. I wonder if she feels as awkward in the hospital as I do. Then I look around the room searching for what I am not sure. Something, I suppose, to keep my mind off of the fear running through me.

"I've made a mess of things." She whispers, wincing in pain.

"What mess?" I say as I lean towards her.

"I shouldn't have showed up like that."

"Stop it." I say in a soft tone. "There are no regrets."

She looks deep in to my eyes and I pull them away. I can't bear to look at her so intensely. Not while our faces are mere inches away. I scan her face counting the scratches left by the air bag. Wondering if she knows how beat up she is, or if she even cares.

"Friends?" I whisper as I kiss her forehead.

"Friends." She nods slowly.

"I better go before the Gilmore clan finds me and decides to tar and feather me."

"Don't go." She strains to say.

"They don't want me here." I say in a hushed tone. "I'm sure your grandfather is distracting them, but it won't last long."

"I don't care what they want." She winces as she moves around in the bed. "I want you to read Wasteland to me."

"Rory."

She doesn't say a word. She just closes her eyes and hands me the book. Our fingers touching for a moment before I take it from her. Opening the book I sigh and lick my lips. I couldn't refuse her a request such as this. Not now. After getting half way through the book I find her asleep. Kissing her head I leave the book on her bedside table.

"I love you."

I don't know why it comes out, but it does. I feel my face grow hot with embarrassment. Running a hand through my hair I turn towards the door and open it letting myself out and checking the hall for any of the others. I find Luke staring at me from across the hall, his nervous body leaning against the wall.

"Richard told them she was sleeping."

"She is now." I smile.

"So I take it you feel better now."

"Better." I nod.

"Well if you want to keep feeling better, you should head home." He smirks. "How does she look?"

"Rory with some cuts and bruises."

The awkward silence makes us both uneasy. I quickly wave and before he has time to say bye, I am gone. Down the hall I sigh and let out the guilt I had been holding inside. In the elevator I feel the weight lifting off of me. She was okay. She was okay. Stepping off of the elevator I ready myself for the cold night air. Exiting the building I find that morning has already begun. Quickly I remember I never called Matthew, but find it pointless now that I am almost there. The farther away from the hospital I get, the more I remember the days events. Reaching the store I find that I had locked the door. I guess it was true, I had become responsible and grown up.

Entering the empty store I breathe in the smell of books. The smell that lets me know I am home. This was my world away from her, until she walked through that door. Until she sat on that bench and willingly kissed me. Crushed me.

"Where have you been?" Chris says from the stairs as I walk up.

"Out." I answer quickly.

"You never met us at the bar. We came home and you were gone." He explains.

"Well I'm home now, mom." I say in my best sarcastic tone. "I promise to check in next time."

I walk in my room and collapse into my bed. It is here in dark of my room that I break down. The only witnesses are the books on the shelves that line my walls. Of course they were my friends and family. They would never tell. Lying on my back staring at the ceiling I wonder when or if it all would end. Me and her or if I even want it to end.

"_It's what it is. You. Me."_


End file.
